Piece of it all 1-8

Rating: NC-17, Disclaimer: The stories are works of fiction and DO NOT in any way reflect the real lives, sexual preferences, or personalities of the characters.

The happy go lucky Ronnie that Trevor talked about isn't the same Ronnie eight years later. He's grown up since then and is trying to grow into himself and try and figure out exactly who he is and what he wants. Lyrics by Jann Arden.

All the crap I told Trevor for all these years, you'd think some of that would have seeped into my brain. I guess that even good advice has a hard time getting past cement.

I just finished a long practice and am showering. It feels great. I always think best in the shower, never mind that there are a dozen other guys showering with me; I'm alone with my thoughts.

Funny how you can make someone else okay with something when inside you want to curl up into a ball and make it go away. I'm still amazed at how cool I kept things with Trevor when what I really wanted to do was scream that I wished I was like him, sure he was fucked up a bit, but he knew who he was.

He thinks, or thought that I was the coolest guy he'd ever met, and I made sure he kept on believing that for a long time. He probably still believes it even with what happened at the beginning of the season. Since I told them that I wanted them and we'd all kissed.

The three of us have gotten together the two times that Trevor has come here since then. But nothing happened aside from us kissing. When we played the Canucks, and it was just Trevor and I, there was no kissing and when its just Thomas and I there's no kissing.

But there has been no more mention of it going any further than a kiss so far. I don't really know when the change happened, or I guess when I allowed myself to see that it was always there. I don't really know anymore. It was like one day I was remembering being with Denis as a bad experience and then I went to bed one night and woke up thinking that maybe it wasn't. Even though it was.

I'd never had any problem with being with him physically, it was always great physically. And even though I told Trevor that I was uncomfortable being in bed with another guy I really wasn't. I spent a lot of mornings alone and huddled under the blankets in Denis's tiny apartment wishing for more than that though. That was what was uncomfortable.

That's another lie, I told Trevor it was a pick up from a bar but it wasn't, it was a guy on my team when I played junior in Longueil. I also told him I had only experimented with him and that was it but it wasn't. I don't know if you could call what we did dating but we did it for a long time.

Denis was really good looking, I'd kind of thought I might have been attracted to guys before then but junior hockey in a small town wasn't exactly the fishbowl I wanted to be in when I was trying to figure that out. When I was home in Montreal it was different, freer or something.

But I hated being there once my dad had been killed. Even my mom moved away eventually. Neither one of us could stand being in the city anymore.

I needed someone then, needed someone who could make me forget that my dad wasn't around anymore and that my mother had basically shut down, afraid of her own shadow. I don't think she drove a car for years after his death. Even now she looks underneath before she gets in. I was alone, and worse than that I was lonely.

I would have hung out with my coach at that point for some male companionship. Not in a sexual way but I just needed to be around someone who liked me. Someone who wanted me around.

So when Denis approached me I was ready to try. I never quite knew how he knew I might like guys but at first I was happy that he did know. He and I slept together that first night and it was good, I mean yeah it hurt, his dick was really big and he wasn't exactly concerned with how I felt so it was never pain free at the beginning but it got good, it got really good.

But it wasn't good. He never kissed me, he never said a word to me the entire time, he just fucked me, rolled off and grabbed a cigarette. I lay there my body tingling with pleasure but it didn't feel right. Physically I'd never felt more right but inside I knew it was wrong. The girls that I'd slept with hadn't been like that.

I was dumb and just figured that was the way guys were. I had no other experience to draw from. I knew it wasn't the way I was and I knew it wasn't what I wanted. No matter who I was with there was something not right, but I craved the closeness of sex I needed it no matter how bad it was. No matter how awful Denis treated me.

It didn't get better, I had more sex that season, more than living with Monica I have now, but that's all it ever was, even sex is too good of a word for it. It was fucking. Every single time it was a fuck. I was nothing more than a fuck to him.

I loved him and all I was to him was a means of him getting off. But I stayed with him; I fucked him every chance. Actually I should say he fucked me every chance he got. I did top him twice but it was after a lot of drinking and a hell of a lot of begging on my part.

I had a semi steady girl at the same time who I had fantastic sex with as well and who gave me the other feelings I was looking for. I fucked a lot of girls back then too, just for the connection. Even if I picked a girl up and let her blow me it was more closeness than I got from Denis. I always went back to the same girl though when I was home.

I didn't love her though. In the long run she probably saw me the same way that I see... saw Denis. I don't really see him that way anymore.

I was only seventeen, but I was looking for more than to be fucked and then left lying in bed alone by Denis. It was only after watching Trevor and Thomas be sweet and tender and loving all those years that I realized that I had just hooked up with an asshole rather than that's how two guys were supposed to be together.

It wasn't that Denis was a guy that made him cold and distant it was because that was all he was able to give. He didn't have it in him to be emotional, to feel what he was doing, and I desperately needed that. I know now that it's not that men are cold and women are caring, some people are and some people aren't.

Thomas and Trevor helped to not only get through the cement but to drill a big freaking hole in it. I'm still not sure if I'm happy or sad that it happened. I'm glad that it's happening now rather than when I was younger. I think.

Even with the normalcy that Trevor and Thomas instilled in me I haven't so much as kissed another man except for both of them. But since then, since I let my self have a little bit of what I wanted, I really want it, I want them but I'm looking at other men differently too. Not just that I think they're hot, but for the first time in a long time wanting more.

Monica's tried to be understanding, actually more than that. She knows exactly what I'm talking about, the first long conversation we had she had a few admissions of her own. I was surprised but not shocked to hear her say that she'd had a relationship with a woman before.

She's obviously not going to be happy about it though. Even before she knew that I was attracted to Thomas she always cracked jokes about me wanting him. Now that she knows that I do want that she likes him less.

As much as I wish I don't want to want more than her, and as much as I know that me finally getting my head on straight so to speak is going to fuck things up I can't stop myself, I don't even want to.

When I ran into Denis last year, I was shocked. I wanted to kick his ass but I didn't I listened to him talk about his own issues and tell me about his wife and kids and how unhappy he was. He was supposed to be at a convention but was in a bar half cut when I spotted him.

He really hadn't changed much, he was older and more filled out then he had been as a teenager, but so was I. My heart was kind of caught in my throat as I listened to him talk. Listened to him say all the things that I'd been thinking for way too many years.

I'd already pretty much realized that what we did wasn't what it was like just because it was two guys involved but this sealed it for me. For the first time in a long time I really believed that. Denis slept with guys all the time actually he didn't put a nice name on it, I hope those guys are stronger than I was. I'm kind of picturing a string of fucked up men all across Canada.

Right then I forced myself to try and get over it, I'm not going to rush things by any means but I'm not closing the door on meeting a guy at some point either. I don't want to be married and settled down and not be able to be as happy as I should be because I want something different.

I do want to have kids at some point. I can close my eyes and see what I want my future to be so clearly. I see myself as an old man with lots of grandkids skating around the ice with me, playing and having fun. I just wish I knew who was skating next to me. Funny in my fantasies it's always just me.

I'm just afraid of being trapped into something that I don't want, even if I don't know that I don't want it yet. But I'm also afraid to be alone.

I think I've been in the shower long enough. There are a few guys still showering but I think we're the last ones so I turn off the water and head back out to get dressed.

I'm almost finished getting ready when I hear a voice shout from across the room. "Hey Ronnie your buddy Linden is a fag huh?" Zarley Zalapski leans against his stall when he finishes showering. I knew it wasn't exactly going to take a long time for pretty much the entire league to know once a few people did.

That's Trevor and Thomas's responsibility. I knew I'd get a few ribs because Trevor is my friend but I'll trade that for him being happy any day of the week.

Zarley doesn't seem to be done though he keeps on talking, that word gets thrown around a lot in our dressing room, I don't think most of the guys saying it even register what they are really saying. Just that it's an insult and you don't want it thrown at you.

I don't punch him, as much as my fingers are coiled into a fist and ready to do it I don't. "So." I am not doing do great with the comebacks here.

Now I got the comebacks. A few guys snicker and that pisses Zarley off apparently. He doesn't try to hit me back, even though he is bigger than I am, that doesn't shut him up though. "Well Linden's not the only fag I guess. Our Ronnie is a big homo too."

I've finally come to terms with that. I like men as much as I like women; actually aside from Monica every person I've been attracted to in the past year has been male, one in particular that I really shouldn't be. So yeah I know the word and I know that it's what I am. Took me long enough to figure it out.

I don't say that though. Maybe I should, I don't care what he thinks about me. Hell I'd rather have him say it to me than about Trevor anyway.

"That line is so old, at least you could come up with new material." Jarome Iginla leans forward onto his knees and stares at Zarley.

I sigh quietly. Shut up rookie, these guys can make your life a living hell if they want to and there is nothing you can do about it. I stare at Jarome for a few seconds and he smiles at me. I look away, yeah he'd be the guy I shouldn't be thinking about the way I am. The guy who's almost eleven years younger than me.

"Aww is the rookie a fag too?" Zarley ruffles Jarome's hair then carefully wipes his hand off on the kids uniform, shuddering a little bit as he does it.

Zarley shuts up; if him backing down physically from me is odd, him backing down from all five foot six of Theo is downright hilarious. Actually even after playing with him all these years I still chuckle at Theo knocking Trevor on his ass in Trev's rookie year.

He'd still try now but Trevor wouldn't end up on the ice. Hell, I'd have a hard time knocking down Trev now. Just thinking about him makes me smile. I know now that I'm not really in love with either him or Thomas but I do love them both.

Theo and Jarome talk for a little bit and my eyes keep darting back toward them. Theo is talking quietly while Jarome nods and smiles every few minutes. The kid's got a beautiful smile. He's also my teammate and nineteen; I don't need to be thinking about him in anyway other than that.

I wish I could stop myself from thinking that but I can't seem to. The small circle of good friends I have on the team includes him even though I can't seem to stop myself from being attracted to him. I'm not even sure that I want to most of the time. I'm not sure of a lot of things.

I'm going to get called into Brian's office tomorrow for punching Zarley but I'm not going to worry about that tonight. "Hey slugger you coming out with us?" Theo shouts.

It ends up being Theo, Sandy McCarthy, Jarome, James Patrick, Steve Chiasson and me piled into two cabs. The bar we go to is out of the way and the clientele don't much care that we're Flames, they don't much care about anything but their next drink.

Yeah it's a hole but we can go unnoticed and sometimes that's worth being afraid to go to the bathroom. "Man that Zarley is a fucking piece of work." James downs the last of his third beer. "What the fuck difference would it make if we were all gay?'

I choke on my beer and Sandy claps me on the back hard enough to dislodge my liver. I stop coughing but I'm not quite sure when I'll be able to breathe properly again.

"No prob." I cough and that loosens me up again so I can breathe a little better. Theo is giggling, actually they all are. "So fucking glad I amuse you all."

"So are we." James grins then excuses himself to go to the bathroom. Actually he stumbles into the back alley. I don't blame him, I have been to the actual bathroom here once, and once was enough.

I flip him off and take another sip of beer. I've only had a few but I can feel the slight fuzziness in my head from them already. I'm not drunk yet, just good and fuzzy.

"At the risk of making Ronnie choke again, it would make no difference at all." Theo swallows the last of his beer and sighs.

Doesn't bother? Not wouldn't bother? Steve and Theo have been best friends since junior. I smirk at Theo then smile. For as much bad press as he gets he's a great guy, aggravating as all fuck as an opponent but definitely a guy you want on your side.

"He said so much." I bite back a groan. "Which one do you mean?" I know full well what one he means but I hate people who hedge around instead of coming right out and saying it. "Do you want to know if Trev is gay, if I am, if Jarome is, if Theo is his boyfriend or... is that all he said?" I can't even look in Jarome's vicinity as I say those words.

I bat his hand away. "I didn't say you were nosey, I said you were fucking annoying for not asking me what you wanted to know."

We're all laughing so much I forget that he didn't answer me and I didn't answer him until about a half hour later and I let it slide rather than bring it back up.

It occurs to me that I only know the answer to two of those questions for sure too. I'm guessing that Sandy knows the two that I don't.

Looking around the table I can't help but laugh too. Even though Jarome hasn't said a word since we got to the bar, he is laughing as hard as the rest of us and I notice again just how good looking he is. I stamp that down as quickly as I can manage to.

Sandy might know for sure if Jarome is gay or not, but I'd have to put my vote on no. And even if he was... I'm not even letting myself finish that thought right now.

"So what did I miss?" James leans back in his chair then sits up straight when he nearly topples over. That sets us all back into crazy laughter and Jarome breaks the silence.

We stay for a few more hours and I am having a little trouble, well a little trouble doing much of anything by the time we're ready to go. Everything is kinda blurry but there is a strong arm around my waist and whoever owns it smells good.

Theo yells something and then I'm in a cab. Same guy is with me and I know that it's not Theo cause the guy is taller than I am. I can't quite focus my eyes enough in the dark to tell who it is though. I don't really care either. Its takes us a while to get to my house, we were way the hell on the other side of town.

He really does smell good though, I'd like to think that if I wasn't pretty much wasted that I wouldn't have my face pressed into his neck like I do, but he doesn't seem to mind either so I don't move away. His arm is still around my waist too. Actually when I move closer to him, the arm tightens and I melt against him.

Finally the cab stops and I'm pulled out and he drags me up the walkway. Monica answers and stares at us both then shakes her head, but she's smiling too. "Special delivery?"

"Can you drag him into the spare bedroom?" she holds the door open so we can get through. There is someone in the living room but I can't tell who it is. I don't really care either. Monica chuckles when I land on the bed. "Thanks Jarome."

"No problem." I can hear him answer but my eyes have long closed. I hear him say good night and I grunt something then hear laughter. Monica hauls off most of my clothes then leaves me alone.

I wake up alone. I'm not surprised; I wouldn't want to sleep with someone who smells like I do either. Not bothering to get dressed I decide that before I shower I need some liquid and some aspirin. There are a few empty wine cooler bottles on the coffee table. I wonder who Monica did have over last night.

Last night when a teammate asked me if I was gay and I got really drunk and might or might not have kissed another teammates neck. Not just any teammate though a barely legal teammate, who may or may not be gay, at that.

At least I won't be the only one hung over, at least I think I won't be I don't actually recall how drunk the other guys got. The phone rings and I nearly jump out of my skin. It's Theo.

I'm hungry but it's going to have to wait. I'm disgusted by the smell of myself. Sweat, beer and smoke doesn't work for anyone. By the time I finish and change into clean clothes, Theo is honking the horn. Damn, okay we'll have to stop somewhere on the way.

Or not. Theo has coffee and a box of Tim Bits on the seat of the truck. Not exactly the breakfast of champions but it'll do. I've popped three bits into my mouth before Theo has even puled out of the driveway.

I refuse to believe that I'm blushing but the heat in my cheeks can't be anything else. "Yeah. I was kind of out of it."

"Nah, its okay. I'm not the greatest guy in the world to spend time with sometimes." Theo shrugs and takes a long sip of coffee and grins at me.

"There isn't anything to tell." I really don't think there is; the shower cleared my head enough for me to remember that Jarome smelled good. I don't think I kissed him at all now.

Theo lets it slide and once we get to the arena, I'm barely inside and Brian calls me over for a chat. It's the standard 'we're a team we have to act like a team all the time to function as a team' speech. I listen and I believe it but I'm still glad I popped Zarley.

I don't lie to Brian and say otherwise and I refuse to apologize to Zarley. Brian doesn't go any further just says for me not to let any of our disagreements affect the team.

With the help of the so many I lost count of them aspirin I took this morning I manage to make it through morning skate without embarrassing myself too much. Zarley gives me a wide berth, which I appreciate. So does Jarome, which I don't.

No, I definitely don't. Somehow the kid has wormed his way into my brain. I want to get to know him better. Know what Sandy knows about him that I don't. Know why he had balls enough to stand up to Zarley out of the blue yesterday. And yeah he's hot, very hot. I want to know why he kept on holding me last night.

If I did I'm sure at some point I'll become a permanent part of the ice surface here courtesy of Sandy. When Sandy skates past me he grins though. So I guess I'll settle for confused as a mood right now.

We're playing the Oilers tonight and I need to drink a gallon of water and nap at some point before that happens or I'm never going to make it through the game.

I shower in record time, and since yesterday's outburst from Zarley I don't linger around the room much either, I just want to see if there is someone around that wants to go for lunch. I don't see Theo, Sandy or Jarome anywhere so I ask James.

I feel like a shit. He was my second choice and then I blew him off anyway. I hate that my best friends on the team are gone without even asking me if I wanted to go with them.

There are two cars in my driveway but no one seems to be around when I go inside. Monica and whoever are probably outside. I don't care I just want to sleep. I pop a few more aspirin and swear off drinking before heading off to bed again.

I don't know exactly how long I sleep but when I wake up the shower is running. I'm still wearing my jeans but no shirt, I hope whoever is here is a good enough friend to not care, cause I'm not getting dressed. There is still no one around, not even in the backyard. Two cars are still in the driveway though. And someone is in the shower.

Not only does this go through the cement but the block is shattered. I stay calm and drink a few glasses of water while I wait. No one comes out of the bathroom still, I'm starving but I don't think I can swallow more than the water right now.

Finally the door opens and Monica comes out, followed by her friend Angela. I guess that should be friend in quotation marks though. I think I could maybe still make it okay, I mean I shower with other people in a non-sexual way.

But when she turns to kiss Angela, her hands touching her in ways that make my chest tighten. Any other circumstances than this and I'd be willing to pay for this ringside seat but not right now.

"R... Ronnie, when did you get home?" Monica grabs her towel and tightens it around herself. Angela just stares at the floor.

"A few hours ago, I was asleep." I'm kind of amazed at the steady tone of my voice, considering the way my mind is reeling. We just stare at each other for a few minutes.

"Just let us change and we can talk." Monica opens the spare bedroom door and Angela goes inside. At least they weren't fucking in our bed.

I'm not sticking around for this though. Forgetting about my shirt I just put on my jacket and zip it up and jam my feet down into my boots. It's not as cold as it gets here in February sometimes but it's still cold, I think I got spoiled in Vancouver.

At first I don't have a clue where to go, I'm just driving aimlessly, but without really thinking about it I end up at Thomas' apartment building. I hope he's home, but even if he isn't I have a key and can settle myself down there.

I knock a few times and there is no answer so I let myself in. Just as I close the door Thomas stumbles out of the bedroom, a t shirt half on and half off and other than that wearing boxer shorts. He takes one look at me and throws the shirt across the room. "I didn't want to wear that anyway."

I grin despite myself but that doesn't last long, I don't even feel like I can stand up anymore I don't know what I need or want right now. It's warm in here so I take off my jacket. Thomas stares at me, I guess since I'm barefoot and shirtless I deserve to be stared at.

I don't need to hold anything back from him at all. And I don't. I tell him everything right on back to when I was a kid with Denis. I tell him about everything but Jarome, I'm still not sure what is going on there yet myself. I can't involve someone else just yet. Thomas listens to the whole ramble without interrupting me once and stays quiet even when I'm done.

His hand is clasping mine though and he lets it go and gives me a hug. I melt against him and hug him back; my face buried against his shoulder while he rubs my back. It's nice to be in this position. Not that I mind being on the other side of a hug but I love that he's a good enough friend to return the favour with no hesitation.

"I wish you could have told us that earlier Ronnie. I've been worried about you, this makes a lot more sense to me though." Thomas kisses my cheek. That's all he says about the whole issue, no telling me I'm an idiot or making me feel like I've made the wrong decisions. Just acceptance.

"I wish I could have too Thomas but I just couldn't do it. I tried more than once but I couldn't." I break off, hoping he's not pissed at me.

We talk for about an hour. As much as I was working my own way to being okay with my feelings this has helped a lot more. I should have known that talking to people I love and trust would have helped, but as much as I've liked helping them I feel weird asking for it in return.

Thomas hugs me again and then sighs. "About Monica though, you do realize that six months ago you would have been quite willing to do the same thing here with me right?"

"I... I don't know. I didn't stay around long enough to find out." Damn Thomas anyway for always getting to the point. The least he could have done is hugged me more and agreed with me. Yeah right, that's not what I wanted at all. If I did I wouldn't have come here.

I could have sex with Thomas and Trevor and it not lessen my feelings for her at all. Then again my feelings for her aren't as strong as they used to be either.

Maybe we're just both looking for the same thing and somehow knew the other one could help us out until we found it. Whatever it is.

It's too late to go back home and get through all this before the game but after the game we need to talk. Thomas kisses me quickly and offers to make me some food. I'm not turning that down.

At some point while we're eating Thomas manages to get the rest of the story out of me, about yesterday in the locker room and then about last night and Jarome.

"He said that about Trevor... like Trevor would want his scraggly red headed ass." Thomas shouts, slamming his fork against his plate.

It doesn't seem to matter because Thomas chuckles as soon as he repeats Jarome's name. "Sorry I was just thinking about Peter's reaction."

I can't help but look up and join him laughing. Trevor's dad loves to know who else is gay. "I don't even know if he is or not Thomas."

"Fucked if I know." I really don't know where to go from here. I want to cheat on my girlfriend and she is cheating on me. I think I'm in love with my best friends and I'm lusting after a kid that I don't even know if he's into guys or not.

Shit, all of a sudden the fact that he was clearly just woken up when I got here flashes into my mind. "I woke you I'm sorry."

"Anytime Ron. Anytime you need to talk call me or drop by." Thomas lays our plates in the sink and hoists himself up on the cupboard. It's weird that even though I'm attracted to him, when its not appropriate for me to feel that way it's in check.

Like right now he's practically naked and sitting no more than two feet from me and while I'm aware of how good looking he is, he's just Thomas. I thought it was going to be a lot harder than it has been but we've gotten along same as always since my admission.

Sure when Trevor is in the mix too we've kissed and played around a little bit, nothing serious yet but… I really am a shit. That is no different than what went on at my house this morning. Except that I haven't actually done anything.

We haven't actually had sex in a month; hell I don't think we've had a real conversation in about as much time. Ever since I came clean about what I felt she's become more and more distant. I can't lay it all on her though I have too.

All this time I've been going through the motions at home, thinking that every thing is great and Monica and I have been drifting more and more apart in the last six months. No, longer than that even. We've been together for four years now maybe that's just normal.

Maybe like always I'm too afraid to take that extra step to make it better between us because I really don't want it to be. But I do want her, I love having someone to call when I'm on the road and someone to crawl into bed with and hold.

Am I really enough of a shit that I've just been using her all these years? I really don't want to believe that about myself and if I'm really honest I know I haven't been but I haven't exactly been fair to her either.

I'm pissed that she was with someone else in our house but maybe I drove her to that by me wanting to be with someone else too. And now Jarome is thrown into the mix, I'm still not exactly sure what I feel about him except that no matter how much I want to I can't quite clear my mind of him.

Nothing about this train of thought is making me feel better. And Thomas is staring at me, waiting for me to say something else I guess.

I move closer and take the hug he offers, leaning my head against his shoulder, while his chin rests on the top of my head. It's nice to be the smaller person in a hug; I don't let go of him for a long time.

Thomas is quiet for a minute; I can practically hear the wheels turning in his head to catch up. But he apparently does catch on that I'm talking about Jarome. "So."

"So? So, even if he is gay, what business do I have lusting after him? He's just a kid." I pull back and shout.

Thomas picks up the shirt he'd been trying to struggle into when I got here and tosses it at me. "At least don't show up at the arena naked."

"Thanks." I pull it on and then my coat. Thomas gives me a pair of socks too and I'm as dressed as much as I should have been before I left my house.

Traffic is easy on the way to the Dome so I don't have much time to mull things over. And by the time I get into the locker room and start to get changed for our skate I'm not really thinking anything but hockey. The second my blades touch the ice that's all that matters.

We've got drills and routines to go through but I've done them all so many times that they pretty much come second nature to me and the monotony clears my head even more. I may not be the greatest hockey player in the world; I know I'm not. But I'm very content with my role on the team and I'm very good at what I do.

I annoy the shit out of people and when I have to I drop the gloves to protect our scorers, every once in a while I even score. If that's what I have to do to keep on playing, its what I am fully prepared to keep on doing until I can't anymore.

Brian lets us go early, but I skate a little while more before I go back to the room. Music is playing and guys are talking in groups. Zarley sneers at me when I sit down and I force myself not to hit him again. Sandy sits down beside me and throws an arm over my shoulder.

I push him back a little. Its not that I'm uncomfortable with him touching me. But we've just been skating for two hours and neither of us smells all the great. "You have fun last night?" he rubs his knuckles against my head.

Instead of answering me Sandy just shrugs and starts changing into new equipment. Only a few guys shower between the skate and the game, it's not really worth it though. Least I don't think so.

I can't stop my eyes from darting to Jarome and every time I do it seems like his head has just moved, like maybe he was looking at me too, but didn't want to get caught.

"Huh?" I keep looking at my feet, my heart beating so loud I'm sure everyone can hear it. When I finally get up enough nerve to look at him, he's gone. Shit.

The game starts out okay, there isn't much scoring, Kidder and Joseph are putting on a show but there is a lot of clutching and grabbing. Before this is all over it's going to get rough. Pretty much every game we play against Edmonton ends up that way anyway. Why should this one be any different?

Finally in the second period Theo scores and then he scores again, we're up two nothing by the end of the period and right at the buzzer Kelly Buchberger checks Theo into the boards hard enough to knock him off his feet. I think Sandy and me might have to get into a fight to see who gets to kick Buchberger's ass.

I may not be really bright but I back down. Fighting is good and all but I pity the fool who hurts Theo and has to deal with Sandy. I don't get to watch as close as I'd like to because Jason Arnott grabs me from behind just in case I decide to make this an unfair fight.

Grabbing a hold of Jason's jersey I don't do any more than that, just hang on until the refs pull Sandy and Kelly apart. Kelly is a lot worse for wear then Sandy is and Theo grins at him and pats his ass as he skates by. We all separate and skate off the ice.

Sandy grins at me when he's back from the trainer's room. He has a small cut over his eye but he's fine. I grin back at him and everything seems to be okay with us. I still need to talk to him though.

The third period starts off on a bad note. Ryan Smyth scores, then he scores again right in a row. James and him get into a little pushing and shoving in the back corner after the second goal but Ryan skates free and James is the only one who gets the penalty. Doug Weight scores on the power play and we end up losing the game by that one goal.

Brian gives all of us a lecture in the room before letting us even shower. He's pissed and he should be, there was no reason for us to lose that game. Theo can't do it on his own every night.

"You coming out with us tonight Ronnie?" Theo grins at me from across the room after we've showered. I didn't linger in there too long tonight.

I shake my head. I actually really do want to see the guys again tonight, want to see Jarome again but I know I have to go home and face Monica. "Can't I have plans with Monica."

"Right. Catch you on the road trip then." Theo smiles and punches Sandy in the shoulder when he joins him. I glance at Jarome and he half smiles at me then looks down at the floor and follows Steve. I hate myself that the fact that he looks upset sends a thrill up my spine.

I don't let myself dwell too much though I have to get home and try and make things okay with Monica, or not make things okay with her. But we have to do something.

I'm trying to clear my mind a little before I get home, but its not working that great. I'm going from being scared as hell, to wanting to cry to being mad enough to smash out the window in my truck. I'm really no better off by the time I get home but I'll make myself not freak out somehow.

As soon as I open the door and see Monica I feel a little better. She's still wearing her work clothes and they really do nothing for her figure but she still gets to me. When I met her the first time, I didn't like her at all, she reminded me too much of me.

She still does, but I figured out how to love me so that's not a bad thing anymore. That night I didn't even think she was pretty at all, she's not someone I would have noticed unless she was pointed out to me. Not that she's not beautiful but she's not the normal type of girl I was attracted to.

She was real. You know she looked like a real girl and now she looks like a real woman. We've been together for four years now, that's the longest I've ever stayed with any one person. A few times I wondered about just saying screw it and asking Monica to marry me, the two of us settling down and having a family sounded pretty good.

Monica gets up to grab some more coffee and I go inside. Her hair is all pinned up on top of her head, she keeps it long but it drives her nuts. There are a few black strands curling around her ears and cheeks and she sweeps them back then sits back down with a loud sigh.

I don't think that she heard me come in but when I close the door she turns around and looks at me. "Hi." her voice is softer than usual, I can see from her face that she's been crying. My stomach is in knots by the time I get in the kitchen.

"Hi." I sit down next to her, we usually sit across from each other but right now that feels too confrontational.

Neither one of us says anything for a few minutes but our hands bump together and we grip them together. I'm clinging to her hand way to tight but I'm afraid to let her go, afraid to have so many changes in my life all at once.

"Right of course its all my fault, I made you bring another chick home to fuck." we really are too much alike, both of us are glaring at the other and our chests are rising and falling fast but the look in her eyes is exactly how I feel. A second away from bawling my guts out.

"Yeah exactly, I could only go so long watching you moon over someone else for so long and I had to go find my own someone else."

Monica blinks a few times but stands her ground. "I had qualms Ronnie, lots of them. I could only stand you pulling away from me for so long."

"I'm not talking about sex." she screams. "I'm talking about you, you deciding that you're into guys, you deciding that you want to sleep with your best friends."

I don't let her finish. "You know exactly what I mean, don't try and act like I betrayed you and led you on. I fucking told you exactly how I felt, I shared things with you I never told any one else before, don't sit there and act like I've been a jerk and that I don't care about you. I went through a lot in the last year to realize that there wasn't actually something the matter with me, that it was okay to feel the way that I do, don't try and act like that's not okay when you feel the same fucking way." I'm breathless by the time I stop talking.

Monica had her eyes closed the entire time I talked and she nods before opening her eyes again. "You've been more distant over the last year than I can ever remember you being. It wasn't easy for me either."

She's right. Up until I met up with Denis last year I had a pretty good handle on things, but that meeting threw a screw into the easy workings of my life. It made a lot of things come to the surface that maybe never would have if I hadn't of met up with him.

"And I assumed you needed space and let you pull away." her voice is so small that this time tears do spring to my eyes. "I'm not blaming you entirely but you made it easy."

"So what you picked up the first person you thought would be an easy fuck?" I deserve the slap that I get, but it still pisses me off. I grab her wrist and stare into her eyes. They're flashing with rage and have darkened to almost black.

I don't let her go but I loosen my grip. I hadn't realized I was holding on that tight. "Sorry... I'm so sorry Monica, I never meant to hurt you like I did." I hate crying, but I can't stop myself.

"Its not that bad." Monica twists her wrist to show me that there's isn't any marks on it. But we both know what I meant.

Monica squeezes my hand and keeps her eyes locked to mine but doesn't say anything. Her mouth opens and closes a few times but she doesn't or can't answer. Finally she closes her eyes and nods.

I close my eyes too and wish that I didn't know that. Knowing that she loves Angela makes it worse. Like maybe it would have been easier if it was just a way for her to get off when I wasn't around. I don't care what kind of a pussy this makes me sound like I have to know. "Do you still love me?"

"I love you too." when I open my eyes she is looking at me again. Without either one of us saying a word our lips meet and we kiss softly. Its not mindblowingly passionate but its nice. Very nice.

She kisses my cheek. "I need more Ron, not just you. I hate wondering who else you are thinking about. I hate having you only part time, even when you're not on the road you're not really here. I don't think I was cut out to be a hockey wife."

"I know most of the guys' wives get along like that but I can't do it. I need more than that, need more than to be just the warm body that you need when you come home. I need more than you can give me." a tear slides down her cheek.

I don't know what to say. Her words get me out of this whole situation, makes it okay for me to be with whoever I want to be with but I'm scared, I don't want her to not be here. I need her.

I still don't say anything. I can't say anything. Monica's hand falls from my face and her chair scrapes back. As soon as she stands up I do too and her arms wrap around my back, pulling me in for a tight hug. She's almost as tall as I am so I don't need to bend my head much to kiss her.

Again I'm struck by the fact that while there isn't the same jolt of electricity there used to be that it's still hot. I like kissing her. As she opens her mouth, and the kiss deepens I'm still turned on.

Monica grinds her hips to mine and whimpers into my mouth when my thigh presses between her legs. We both want this. I grip her hips and lift her up a little carrying her into our room. We kiss for a long time, just kiss, its actually kind of nice, I can't remember the last time I just kissed anyone for this long.

Even before we stopped having sex all together it was mostly just that we both managed to catch up with each other and jumped into bed. This is nice for a change. It's also sad though; we both know things are never going to be the same between us or even if there is going to be an us.

I take off Thomas's shirt and toss it aside and Monica does the same with the top half of her scrubs. The string on the bottoms unties easily and when my jeans fall to the floor the first touch of my skin against hers makes me shiver a little. Monica's shivering too and I hug her closer to me and kiss her again.

We end up on the bed, but don't move past kissing and touching for a while still. I don't think even when I was a teenager that I just kissed someone for this long. When I got with a girl it was always on the fly somewhere, where we could get caught by parents or it was a big rush and I don't think Denis kissed me more than twice maybe the whole time I knew him.

Monica makes the first move, her hands sliding down my back and around my hips; her nails scratching me lightly making me shiver more. When her hand closes around my shaft, I kiss her harder and begin moving my hands. Her lips part wider on a moan when I tease her nipples, rubbing them with the flat of my thumb then pinching lightly until they're swollen.

Moving my hands lower I replace them with my mouth and suck lightly on her nipples, feeling them swell and stiffen even more in my mouth. My thumb slides between her legs, slipping inside her just as I bite down gently and she arches up, inviting more of me inside of her.

I give her what she wants, using two fingers instead of my thumb and arching them until she cries out and I know I got the right spot. I keep licking and sucking at her breasts, kissing the undersides of the firm flesh then circling around, but always returning to her nipples until she has to lift my head and shakily tells me she can't take much more.

Her hand has been stroking me all along and when she lays it on my hip I can feel that its slick with pre cum. We're both ready but we know that this time is different, neither one of us seems ready to take it to the next step yet. I slow the pace of my fingers I kiss a trail down her body and blow softly against the slick skin of her stomach.

"Ronnie." Monica's voice crack when she says my name and I kiss the soft thatch of curls between her legs before delving my tongue inside her. Alternating my fingers and tongue I move and take her clit between my lips, feeling it pulse quicker in time with her heartbeat and then quicker still when I suck, flickering my tongue against it.

Her muscles contract around my fingers and I accept all that she has to offer, licking until her body stops shaking and she lays slack against the bed. She's still wet, but I keep on fingering her a little, while I reach and grab a condom.

We haven't always been really careful but now we need to, especially since she just changed her birth control pills and the in between time isn't really safe anyway. As much as I'd like to have kids, right now that's the last thing we need.

I fit inside her perfectly and she arches against me, letting me know right away that she's ready too. Our lips meet and she licks at my bottom lip before thrusting her tongue inside my mouth. I try and go slow but it doesn't work out that way, our bodies pump together fast and hard until I'm shuddering against her and she's clinging to me, both of us lost in our release.

Once we can breathe and we've cleaned up a little bit we both lean back against the pillows and Monica leans her head against my shoulder and sighs. This probably wasn't the smartest thing we've ever done but I'm glad we did it, I hope no matter how things change that its not the last time we do it.

"Then we'll wait until you get back to decide anything." she sighs against my shoulder then kisses it. I want to say something to her but I don't know what exactly. Waiting is definitely a good idea though. Neither one of us is in the right state of mind to make decisions right now.

By the time I'm ready to talk again she's already asleep and I hug her closer to me and close my eyes. My mind is turning too fast for me to keep up and I can't push it out far enough to fall asleep so I just go with it. Bending my head to kiss her forehead I inhale deeply.

I love the taste of her the smell of her, it's not as though just because I like guys too that when I'm with her I feel like something is missing. I'd say vice versa but the last time I was actually with a guy was twelve years ago so who knows. Although when I kissed Thomas and Trevor I wasn't feeling like something was missing.

I'm actually okay with Monica and I waiting to really decide anything until after the road trip, but I know that we're not going to keep things like they are. We can't. Monica is right we both need more than we get from each other, and we deserve to both have it.

At least I don't feel like I'm going to lose her completely. I know she's going to be a part of my life no matter what we decide.

I kind of remember her kissing me, telling me she loves me, and wishing me luck on the trip, but I don't actually remember Monica leaving for work. I didn't even realize she was short shifted. We don't have a skate his morning since we fly out tonight but we have a team meeting at noon.

It's almost eleven before I actually get out of bed and shower. Knowing I'm going to be late I still don't leave until I've eaten. Between going out with the boys more than I should be and the damn losing streak we are on, and my personal life I think I've neglected hockey enough, but me not eating isn't exactly going to help me out there either.

After leaving Monica a quick note I lock up and am on my way. I have mixed feelings though. On one hand I can't wait to be away from here where I don't really need to deal with this and on the other hand I really want to deal and figure out what's going to happen.

I hate wearing a suit, especially in winter. I'd rather just throw on a parka and be done with it rather than the long coat I have to wear now; It's not as warm as my regular coat and not as comfortable either. I'm only a few minutes, well less than half an hour late to the meeting but I still get the glare from Brian.

Theo and Sandy show up later than I do, they get a glare too, but Brian isn't going to yell at Theo, so we might all escape without the lecture.

Nope, instead he gives it to the whole team. Its just like school, guys are shooting us dirty sideways glances. I have to bite my lip to stop laughing when Sandy catches my eye and sticks his tongue out. We're all going to get detention, and by detention I mean traded to Tampa Bay.

Brian keeps on talking and I'm trying to pay attention but I can't stop from looking around a little. Jarome didn't show up with Theo and when I look around I notice that he was already here, sitting next to James. I pity him right now because James is the best person I've ever met for making someone crack up when they are supposed to be quiet.

Sure enough it's only about five minutes later and Jarome starts giggling. Once he starts he can't stop and pretty soon even Brian is laughing. He throws his hands in the air and stops the meeting so we've got a few hours to waste until its time to leave.

We can all do that very well, though I think Bobcat is ready to kick all of our asses by the time Brian comes back for another talk. "Listen up." he starts every single thing he has ever told us with those two words. "We switched up the road pairs to see if that lights a fire under anyone. They'll be up here. Read them over and we'll try it for this trip then we can see what we'll do later." he pins the paper to the wall and leaves.

I'm kinda surprised that he hasn't tried that before. As long as he doesn't have me with Zarley I am okay with whoever I'm sharing with. The same can't be said for everyone though. "Fuck." Theo turned from the sign and growled.

I guess they even broke up Theo and Sandy. Brian might be a hard ass but he's fair all around. He might break up guys like me but he'll do the same to the star of the team. Looks like I'm rooming with Sandy and Theo and Jarome. I scan down the list and James is the lucky guy that gets too room with Zarley. That should be fun.

I used to room with Kidder, and it was great. He's a little odd but he's the goalie, that kind of goes without saying. All I am really looking for in a roommate is someone who won't keep me awake at night and who won't rat me out if I am late coming in. Not that I stay out past curfew very often but there have been times.

With Sandy I'm not going to have any problems. I end up with James on the plane and I like that; he keeps a running commentary as much as I do. I think that we get stuck together more than anyone cause no one else wants to sit with either of us.

I don't mind it makes the time go faster. We've got an afternoon game tomorrow with the Bruins so aside from a practice we've got the evening free. Brian does his damnedest to tire us out though. I spend a lot of extra time in the shower and for once its not because I'm thinking, I'm just trying to work the knots out of my shoulders.

It works kind of, but a nice cold beer before bed would put the cap on it nicely. The five of us hang out at the hotel bar for a bit, shooting the shit and having a quick drink. I only part way drink one glass of beer though, damn Brian is an evil genius.

We all say goodnight and then part ways. James goes the most reluctantly of any of us; I don't blame him a bit. In his shoes I think I'd rather sleep in the hallway. Sandy turns the lights off and leans back against the pillows, flicking channels on the TV while I'm still changing.

"Settle down Ronnie. I've got a secret to tell you. I know I can trust you but you gotta promise me that it doesn't go any further than this room."

Okay now that my momentary bout of insane panic has passed I move so Sandy can sit next to me. "You know Theo and I usually room together right?"

Sandy takes a deep nervous sounding breath. "Yeah well we more than room together..." he leaves me to catch on.

Not that it takes me long. "You two uh..." Theo spending the night at Sandy's and his wife being pissed at him spring back into my mind. The reason his wife was probably mad is clear if nothing else.

I sit up a little straighter. "I wouldn't say everyone, I mean its not like he had a meeting and announced it but yeah most of his team knows."

"Anyway thanks Ronnie." Sandy ruffles my hair and hops back into his own bed. "I hate sleeping alone on the road." he goes back to flicking channels; he doesn't even have the sound on.

I pull my blanket up over my head and close my eyes. As soon as I do I remember who Theo's new roommate is. As of tomorrow night I am going to be sleeping in the same room as Jarome freaking Iginla.

Sandy keeps quiet for a few minutes then clears his throat nervously. I don't care what he is going to say I already know that I don't want to hear it. "You know I'm looking out for the kid right?"

"So I'm not going to make you admit to anything you don't want to, but if you screw Iggy over in anyway, I will hurt you."

Well that's the second question answered. I wish I could figure out if that makes me happy as hell or makes me feel even worse. Sandy repeats himself. "I will hurt you."

For whatever reason we do actually beat the Bruins. Not that that stops us from getting the post game talk again. But it's justified; we're still not playing as good as we should be. We just got lucky tonight.

We have almost a full day off between games so we're staying another night in Boston then off to Buffalo tomorrow. I hate eastern road swings. You never seem to travel far but you still need to be on the move a lot. I'd rather have a long flight.

"Oh yeah he's a fucking great guy kid." James sighs. "He's pissed at you by the way for talking to him like that."

"She's okay." That look in his eyes was there this time, maybe he is interested. I shake my head; I don't want him to be interested.

Theo and Sandy don't show up so the four of us order and eat. All during the meal I think that I catch Jarome looking at me, of course I'm only catching him because I'm sneaking looks at him. Steve leaves as soon as we're done eating and when James goes to the bathroom Jarome coughs then smiles at me when I look at him.

"Then I'll see you tonight." he grins and pats my shoulder, his thumb brushing across my cheek for the briefest of seconds. He's gone about a minute before I reach up and touch where his thumb was.

"Yeah you know I can see that Ronnie." James grins and picks up the money Jarome left on the table. I toss him a few bills as well and we leave. It's not overly late but I don't want to go out tonight so I decide to just go back to my room.

There is no one there so I loosen my clothes and flop down on the bed. Not before I grabbed the remote though, and I am leaving the sound on this time.

Not that it mattered much I'm asleep by the time Sandy shows up. His hair is messy as hell, and even trough the scattering of black whiskers on his face I can see where Theo's stubble rubbed on his cheeks.

I have to bite back a laugh. He couldn't look more like he just rolled out of someone's bed. "Missed you at dinner."

The smell of sex, of male sex fills my senses and my body reacts to it. My dick is stirring and I shift so that it's not obvious and keep joking. "Hell yeah we did, its not fun picking on James alone."

"Yeah that's true." Sandy yawns. He falls asleep and I do too. I don't wake up until I hear a soft cough. I open my eyes slowly and see that I am draped all over Sandy; his arms are wrapped around me too. Theo is standing at the foot of the bed with a half grin on his face.

I pull back from Sandy and shake my head. Sandy wakes up and grins at Theo. "Hey." he looks at me and smiles. "If I had of known you were such a good snuggler I would have asked to sleep with you last night Ronnie." He stretches big enough to crack his back and sits up.

Theo sits next to him and they kiss. It's just a quick kiss, soft and easy but it feels like someone just stabbed me in the chest. I try to stop it but a slight moan slips from my lips. I'm not in any way shape or form attracted to either one of them other than as a friend, but that kiss was nice.

"I'll just leave you two alone." I have to climb over Sandy and he smiles at me when I lean against him. There is no way he didn't feel that I was hard.

We switched stuff earlier in the day so my stuff is already in the other room. Just before I open the door Theo tosses me his key and Sandy calls out. "Remember what I said last night."

This time I don't even try not to laugh. Sandy has a foot and about eighty pounds on Theo but he nods and wiggles his shoulder like you do when you don't want the person who hit you to know that it hurt.

"Fuck you." Sandy throws a pillow at the door but I'm already in the hall so I just toss it back in and creep down the hallway. I'm more nervous about ending up in a room alone with Jarome than I am about getting caught but I still don't want to get caught.

Swiping the card in the lock I let myself in and sigh when I realize than Jarome isn't even here. Nervous my ass, if I was just nervous I wouldn't feel so shitty right now.

I didn't bother putting on shoes but I get undressed the rest of the way, stripping down to my boxers and climb into the bed that doesn't look rumpled. Its only when I'm all settled in that I realize that the shower is going. Last time I heard that noise and had to wait it wasn't a nice surprise at all.

I'm hoping for better this time. When the water shuts off I close my eyes and pretend to be asleep. The door clicks a minute later and I sneak a peek through my eyelashes. Jarome isn't dried off that great, water is dripping along the length of his back and catching on the towel that's draped across his hips.

Forget about pretending to be asleep, I need to pretend not to drool right about now. He's young, clearly but he's got a great build, all smooth skin and muscles. There isn't anything about him right now that isn't getting to me. He's gorgeous.

He glances at me and I force myself to remain still, relaxing enough so that my eyes don't twitch too much. That is made more difficult by the fact that he keeps on looking at me.

Jarome sits on the side of his bed and I can almost physically feel his eyes as they move along my body. My dick twitches a little but I don't move... I can't move. Finally he stands up and goes back into the bathroom. I let out a long slow breath of air, trying not to be too noisy.

When I hear him move around again I decided to suck it up and not be such a pussy about it. When Jarome steps back into the room he'd dried all the way off and he bends at the bottom of his bed to pull on a pair of boxers. I've seen him naked before but it still makes my breath catch a little bit.

He's still looking at me though; I can feel it. When I look up he smiles at me and I give him a half smile back. "I wasn't sure if you'd care or not I mean I'm not saying that you come off as gay or anything." Jarome sighs. "Not that I think that's a bad thing, obviously."

I look back him and smile. "Right, sorry." I giggle. Oh fuck I giggled. It's catching apparently because Jarome starts too.

"Nothing to kick your ass about." If he could see the state I'm in under these sheets there would be no doubt in his mind just how not offended I am right now. I want to stand up and physically jump on him.

"And you don't care that I..." he sucks in a big breath of air, and keeps his eyes fixed on mine. "That I want you?"

"I like that. I've been thinking the same thing about you." If he can be this much of a man about it, I owe him as much in return.

Jarome grins and rolls onto his side. "I really couldn't stop myself from thinking about you but I never really imagined that you were bi."

"I really never let myself think that I was for a long time..." I start and tell him a cliff notes version of the story, making sure he knows that it's been a long time since I've had any real guy on guy experience. I don't know if he just wants to mess around or if he wants more but I'm starting off with honesty either way.

For the first time since I started thinking about Jarome, I actually manage to let myself imagine us doing more than talking. I manage to put the fact that I am so much older than him out of my mind. I put Monica out of my mind. I put everything out of my mind aside from the fact that someone as gorgeous as he is wants me. Has wanted me for a while.

By the time both of us stop talking we know each other's life story practically. He reminds me of Trevor in a lot of way, every way but physically actually. He grew up in a small town with parents that love him and loved each other, he got okay grades in school and he played Junior in Kamloops. Not that we go into detail about sex but he's not exactly the shy virgin that Trevor was either. But the similarities are there.

His parents know that he's gay as do most of his close friends. I'm impressed that he seems more together at nineteen than I feel at thirty. We must talk for a long time, my throat feels a little sore by the time we stop, but I feel a lot more comfortable here now.

I shake my head and he leaves to go down the hall. He didn't even bother to put on a robe so I kick the door open in case he has to rush back. He closes it when he returns and sits back on his bed. Watching him drink I realize that I am thirsty. "Can I have a sip of that?"

He thrusts his hand out and I sit next to him and take it. There isn't mush left and I drink all of it, laying the empty can on the nightstand.

Keeping my head absolutely still at first I let him make the move, the first touch of his full lips against mine and every never ending on my body feels exposed, feels raw, feels so fantastic. I open my mouth a little and his tongue tentatively touches mine.

"No." my cheeks are burning, I feel like some stupid kid getting his first kiss. It's not like this is the first time I've ever kissed a guy, it isn't even the first time I've kissed a guy this month. Then again Trevor and Thomas are comforting, hot yes but comfortable easy kisses this is... this is raw lust.

Jarome smiles and kisses me again, this time I don't jump. I think melting into his arms is closer to what I do. My tongue easily slips inside his mouth and my hands are on his hips. Jarome's hand is on my knee and on the move along my leg, I like it. Who am I kidding I'm ready to explode I love it so much, but when he gets to my thigh I stop him.

This is going to escalate quickly and I can't let that happen yet. I can't go farther, not knowing what's going on with Monica. As much as it kills me to stop I have to.

"Sorry." Jarome whispers. He reaches up to touch his bottom lip and I smile a little. That gesture is so damn cute.

"No, I want to." I want to more than anything else I can think of right now but I can't jump into a new pool when I'm already in another one. Yeah I would have swam in Trevor and Thomas's pool, that's different.

A quick explanation, without going into detail satisfies Jarome and I kiss him again, just a quick kiss this time though. He kisses me back and gives me a quick hug. "How about a date then? You know when you get everything sorted out."

It's been forever since I got asked out on a date. I nod my head yes and his grin is so big it makes my chest contract a little bit. "Thank you." he moves back on the bed and I stand up. "Ronnie?"

I look back at the bed I had been in then at Jarome stretched out on the stark white sheets and smile. "Yeah." I don't know that if he actually asked me to sleep with him that I would be able to say no again.

Since Jarome's already lying down I climb over him and lay next to him. One of his arms curls around my shoulders and he pulls me to him. I was kind of unsure about what to do so I'm glad that he took control. Resting my arm around his chest I lay my head against his shoulder.

His arms tighten around me and I smile. It doesn't take him very long to fall asleep and I wiggle in closer to him. I like this a lot more than I had thought I would. I mean sure I ended up sort of lying like this with Sandy but we were fully clothed and both of us weren't hard.

My dick is pressed tight against Jarome's hip and I can see his making a bulge in the sheet, this is different all together and I like it a lot. A lot more than I would have thought I would. I said yes with no hesitation but even the offer came as a sort of surprise to me.

Jarome did mean what he said though, no fooling around, just sleeping together. I love the way I feel when I'm just lying in bed with someone. I love that Jarome is comfortable enough with himself to just lie and cuddle and be willing to accept that. And that he is willing to do it, he's not cold and uncaring, he really does want me.

It kind of scares me too though. I can't quite figure out what it is that scares me. I think it's that he seems to have such ease about it all and I am second guessing every move I make. Moving in a little closer to him, I press my nose against his neck and inhale.

He really does smell great. Taking another deep breath I close my eyes and force my self to unwind enough to go to sleep.

We spend every night of the rest of the road trip like that. All curled up in bed together, both of us wanting the other but me knowing I'll hate myself if I do it without settling things with Monica and him respecting my wishes enough not to try and take it further.

I'm about ready to hump his leg most nights but we keep a lid on things. By the end of most every road trip I'm ready to burst anyway, no matter how many times I beat off. It's really not much different but because I'm in such close contact with Jarome it's a different kind of ache.

We've talked a lot too. About ourselves and past relationships. I told him all about Denis, they're the only two people that I've been involved with that I've really loved. Denis couldn't love himself enough to even try and love me back and I'm not enough for Monica.

In less than a week I've told Jarome pretty much every issue that I've ever had, I even ended up crying against his shoulder talking about my dad being killed. He accepted all of it and still said he wanted a chance with me if I was willing to give him one.

By the end of the road trip Sandy, after Jarome grabbed him by the collar and pulled him aside while the five of us were having a beer, decided that maybe it wasn't such a bad thing if Jarome and I got closer.

I know I could just be like him and Theo and be with Monica like nothing happened and be with Jarome too. But I don't want that and since he's willing to wait until I'm ready I don't think that's what Jarome wants either.

Even though no one has said the words out loud to James he winked at me when Jarome hauled Sandy off so I think he knows what's up. Poor guy he spends all his time with us and then has to sleep in the same room with the biggest homophobe on the team. Steve is just Steve, as easygoing as ever.

We win more games than we lose on the road trip but Brain makes sure we know that he's still going to be making changes and moving things around until we gel the way he wants us to. Then we're free to go.

Theo's wife is there to pick him up and Jarome leaves with Sandy. Monica is at work until eleven so I leave alone and go home to wait.

And wait is what I have to do. It's almost three a.m. by the time the door opens. "I just need to grab some clothes and we can go." I can hear Monica's voice even through the closed door.

I snort and Monica narrows her eyes at me. I glare back and snap. "Great I spend a week fucking denying myself pleasure and you are busy fucking like crazy."

"And how were you denying yourself pleasure? Did your roommate want to fulfill your fantasy of you getting to play bitch?" As soon as she says it she gasps and puts her hand over her mouth. I know it was anger that made her say it but it doesn't make it any better. "Ronnie, I... damn."

"It's taken me more than ten years of beating myself up and wondering why I wasn't normal to get to here Monica, its not a fucking fantasy. Believe me I would have had a much happier life if it was just a fantasy." I'm blinking back tears again at this point and shoving Monica away when she tries to hug me.

All the years of acting like nothing bothered me and I was so easygoing burst to the surface. I think about all the times I told half truths so people wouldn't think I was weird, and trying to make them feel better about themselves while I felt like crap on the inside.

"I didn't realize you were so upset about all of this. You play things really cool you know. You don't let me see the real you underneath the bravado and coolness very often. I'm sorry for you."

Neither one of us says anything to that and eventually I stand up and grab my keys. There isn't anything else we can say tonight.

Driving around this late when there's no other traffic clears my head a little. Part of me wants to keep on driving until I end up at Trevor's folk's place. A few days in the country sound great right about now. Plus I actually feel like I belong there, like I'm a part of a family. I know I can't just run away though.

Yeah walking out of my house is running away but it's different. All Monica and I would have ended up doing was hating each other if we kept on talking.

It's almost daylight when I pull up to Thomas's apartment building. Him and Trevor are on the short list of people that I have let my guard down around. That I've let see the real me.

I've known Jarome the shortest of all of them and he's seen the real me. I think that's more that I am getting more comfortable with myself than the fact that I have a closer connection to him than to anyone else. I don't know what I think anymore aside from the fact that I am tired and want to sleep.

Thomas isn't home when I let myself into his apartment so I crawl into his bed and don't wake up for what seems like a long time, but I'm still so tired. Thomas is in bed with me now and I move enough so that I can watch him sleep.

His hair is a lot shorter than it used to be but there is still a mass of curls everywhere. The temptation to touch him is so strong I actually have to slide my hand under my hip so I don't. But I don't stop watching him. Thomas eventually wakes up and smiles at me.

Thomas sits up and pulls me into a hug. I lean against him and let him stroke my back until I feel a little bit better, I know it doesn't really make anything better but it makes me feel good. I spill all the details to him, about Monica and Angela and about Jarome.

It's a long time before I can talk and when I can I don't know what to say. I don't think I've ever had the answer to that question.

"I don't mean specifically Ronnie." Thomas strokes the back of my head. "Just close your eyes and think about what you want.

"I want to but I don't want him to be the guy I run to and screw around with and then screw over." I don't want to hurt him. "Maybe I should just go pick up some random guy and spend a few days having sex and get it out of my system then I could go back to being normal."

"I don't mean that I'm abnormal now or that you are Thomas unscrunch your forehead. I mean that I wouldn't just want to do something as some kind of revenge for Monica fucking Angela I'd actually want to be with someone just because I want to be with them. I can't do that to Jarome. I can't screw him out or jealousy and bitterness." I feel stupid carrying on like this but it's a relief to let it all out.

Not that Thomas cares; he just hugs me and lets me keep on talking until my throat is sore and my head feels a little bit clearer. I still don't have any answers but I feel better.

"We need to get together more often then just when one of us has a crisis." I smile when Thomas lies back down.

I feel guilty that I am keeping him awake again but I'm happy that he is willing to give up sleep to help me. "I'd like that."

Thomas presses his face against the pillow for a second then looks at me. "No." his voice is thick with emotion.

"May... maybe that'd be better." Thomas whispers. He's as torn as I am, I know he's not opposed to kissing me and that it was unfair for me to ask him because I know he won't do it, but I couldn't stop myself. I feel so raw and open that I need someone to make me feel like a person again.

I grab a pillow and leave the room without either one of us saying a word. By the time I get to the couch I'm feeling like I'd love to cry again but I don't. I lie awake until I know the answer to Thomas's question.

I talked to Jarome at the arena but still put him off. I need to sort myself out a little better so I don't jump in and hurt him. I have plans to meet up with Trevor and Thomas tomorrow night and I'm looking forward to it. But I'm also kind of dreading it. I don't want to not be friends with either of them but I don't want to want them as much as I do.

Monica's car is in the driveway. She's stayed away from here too, so she said when I called her anyway. I had to track her down at the hospital. I park beside her and go inside.

But I don't, I keep on walking in and cough because she didn't hear me come in. Her hair is in two braids and she's just wearing sweats and a t-shirt but she's beautiful. I almost hug her and give her a kiss until I remember that I shouldn't.

"Okay." Or I will be okay when I can breath properly again. Monica stares at me and I sigh. "I'm terrible does that make you happy?"

She shakes her head and her eyes fill up with tears. "It makes me sadder than I can tell you." she hugs me again only this time I hug her back. We both sink to the floor and lean against the wall, each of us tearing up and sniffling. "I'm sorry that this didn't work out you know, I'm having a hard time imagining my life without you in it. I don't want my life without you in it. I love you, I just can't take this as my life anymore."

I sit back and really listen this time. Not like before where I heard what she was saying but was too upset to really hear her. This time I hear her clearly. Believe me I know that I'm nobody's prince charming by any stretch of the imagination. I haven't exactly made her life easy even in the beginning.

But since I really started to examine my life and especially meeting up with Denis again I definitely haven't been a lot of fun to be around. Even when I was here and not on the road I pulled away from her. She's not saying and I'm not saying that it's all my fault, just that it's a rotten situation.

Neither one of us is ready for what we both want. I've spent more time living with Monica than I have with any one single person since I've been an adult, that's a lot for me to say goodbye to.

"I don't want to say goodbye to you Ronnie. But I can't live with you anymore. Come on you've obviously got some guy that you like or that you want to like but your afraid to, how would that work with me being here? It won't I know from experience." Monica closes her eyes and leans her head forward onto her knees.

Wrapping my arm around her shoulder I hug her closer to me and we sit like that for a few minutes. She starts to cry again and I hug her tighter, I can't stand to hear someone, anyone cry. Forgetting about my own pain I stroke her hair and whisper silly words to her.

"If you could stop doing that you'd already be a lot happier you know Ronnie." Monica lifts her head and kisses my jaw.

"Stop thinking that everyone else's pain is more important than yours. You deserve to be the person being hugged and comforted. I'm sorry it took me until now to see that."

I try and force back the tears again but can't. Monica kisses me and holds me until both of us are settled down enough again to talk. We end up doing no work and just order pizza and eat and talk for just about the whole night.

"No." Monica lays the bottle between us and smiles. "An apartment fairly close to the Foothills, that way I don't need to use my car as much, it'll save money."

Not that I have a crazy contract but Monica is about to have a lot less money than she was used to having. I wasn't even really thinking about money at all, I have enough now to do most of the things that I want to with out hardship so I don't think about it much anymore.

"You're welcome." I smile back. I'm not pain free with this whole situation but we're talking normally. It took us hashing all this out by ourselves and together for two weeks for my chest not to tighten so much I can't breath just from looking at her.

Eventually we are all talked out and we decide to go to bed. For a few minutes we just stand in the hallway looking at doors. "This is stupid. Come to bed." Monica opens our door. We both strip down to our underwear and climb into bed. It's familiar and normal but so different at the same time.

We have a night game tonight against the Canucks and we don't have a skate today so I don't rush out of bed in the morning. Neither does Monica, she looks how I feel.

A shower sounds pretty good actually. I stop and grab some clean clothes and head off. The phone rings five separate times while I'm showering. I definitely got the better of that deal.

Monica hands me a few scraps of paper and takes my place in the bathroom when I'm done. I have messages from Thomas, the dry cleaner and James.

"Hey Ronnie, it's none of my business who you want to sleep with, I was only fooling around with you at the bar but don't string the kid along to much, he obviously likes you a lot and he's a great kid." James says before hanging up.

"You're right I don't, but I really do hope you can make it work out. I hope he's what you need." she wipes at her eyes and returns the smile then pulls on her boots. "I've got to be at work soon and I'm not sleeping here anymore, I, I just don't want..."

Monica gives me her address and we make plans to start packing at separate times so I don't have to run into Angela and she doesn't have to run into anyone she doesn't want to. I know she's not Thomas's biggest fan, its bad enough for her that she sees him at work all the time.

I stand up and she hugs me hard and we kiss again. Not a soft sweet kiss but a full blown all out, under different circumstances we'd be finishing it off in the bedroom kind of kiss. It's not the end but it's an ending.

He chuckles. "I had a double shift so I could have tomorrow off. Trevor can be here pretty much the whole day before they go to Edmonton."

That makes me feel a little guilty, like I am infringing on what little time they do get together. They may have talked so much that they're way more secure than they were before but I don't want to make it worse for them. Yeah I think if I stopped lusting after them that might help in that respect. "I can leave you two alone if you want

Even though he's tired Thomas manages to wheedle information out of me. I tell him everything, there is no point in not telling him all the details, he'll be able to get them out of me at some point anyway. After talking to me for almost an hour about the whole situation Thomas lets me know that there are a few apartments empty on the floor below him.

Once I hang up I only have one message left. But screw the dry cleaners, I'm calling Jarome instead. I just wish I knew what to say to him.

The whole time I'm driving over to Sandy's I'm wondering what the hell is going to go on between Jarome and me. I mean I like him a lot, mentally and physically. I would have been willing last week to sleep with him if not for Monica, and that's not a consideration anymore. For better or for worse its not.

I want him, but I don't want to hurt him. I don't know if I'm ready for a relationship right now, in fact I know that I'm not. That doesn't stop me from wanting him though.

Jarome's wearing an apron with a giant lobster on it and making pancakes when I open the door. I can't help but laugh as he flips them half in and half out of the pan. "You want some help?"

"Right, I just figured you'd know what you are doing so much more than me you know advanced experience and all." Jarome snickers.

We eat the whole meal with no talk about us, or what might or might not happen between us but we can't really avoid looking at each other either. I'm washing the dishes while he dries and his arm keeps on brushing mine while we move around the sink.

"Ronnie you know I'm not asking you to marry me or anything." Jarome hoists himself up on the counter and continues to dry. "I like you a lot and thought that we could have some fun. If something more comes from that fun so be it, if not then we both had fun."

"No that's not all I want. But if its all you can give I'll take it and we can go from there." Jarome hops off the counter and looks at me. He's young sure but he's all over me in the experience column. I stare back at him and search his eyes for anything even suggesting that he's lying.

I can't see any. But I still don't think that that's fair to him. "You know I want you Jarome, you slept with the evidence to that pressed against you for a full week."

"But my life has changed a lot in the last few months, and a lot more since this morning, I'm not sure that I'm ready to start something new yet. And I think that I want more than sex from you." Hell, if that's all I wanted I'd take my pants of right now. "If you don't want to wait I'll understand."

Before I can mull it over his lips press to mine. Just for a couple of seconds then he steps back and opens his mouth to talk then closes it when the door opens and Sandy comes in.

"Any pancakes left?" Sandy connects his hip with mine on his way to the oven to check. All three of us start laughing as Sandy pulls out some very mangled pancakes and starts eating.

"I think someone was trying to play matchmaker." Sandy rips off about half of a pancake, making it into a ball and chucks it at Jarome's head.

I figure this is a good time as any to leave so I excuse myself and Jarome grins at me and gives me a quick hug before I leave. I can hear him and Sandy talking the whole time I walk down the driveway.

I don't really want to hop out of one person's bed and into someone else's bed but the fact that I do have that option makes me feel pretty damn good. I don't really want to go back to my house but I do anyway, even if I did find an apartment right away, there is no way I could move in tonight anyway.

"Considering two of my friends already date, no." he laughs a little more. "Just don't start telling secret club jokes that the straight guy can't understand."

"Ohh absolutely, you know we can't tell you the secret jokes anyway, we'd be kicked out of the club." I laugh too, nothing has changed with James, he takes it as he sees it and rolls with it like nothing changed. "Thanks James."

We don't talk for long, one of his kids screams then another one does and he leaves. Since I have a ton of time before the game I decide to go through the closet and pack a little bit. There are a few boxes in the spare room so I grab a few and start sorting out clothes.

By the time I stop I've got two stacks of boxes at the bottom of the bed and the closet and most of the dresser is empty. Monica has a lot of her clothes gone already anyway so I only left of mine in the drawers. And I left a suit hanging on the closet just in case I need them.

I'm later than I usually am by the time I head over to the Dome and I'm feeling really good and absolutely shitty at the same time. I get in a quick skate on the ice and that clears my head a lot before I head into the dressing room.

There aren't a lot of guys around yet, only a few of us like to be there this early. Unfortunately for me my least favourite teammate is an early bird too. "You getting together with your buddy Linden after the game tonight?" Zarley sneers at me from across the room.

"That's disgusting I can't believe you admit that you're going to be taking it up the ass from him." he makes a puking noise.

Brian walks in and I lean back in my stall and take a long sip from my water bottle. I don't know how much of that exchange he heard but he motions for Zarley to follow him.

The room starts to fill up a bit more and by the time Zarley comes back out, Steve and Theo are sitting on either side of me. He doesn't even look at me this time.

"Seriously guys, we can't start a rift like that though." Theo folds his arms over his chest. Oh great he's in full on captain mode. "I know we can't all be friends but we can't have enemies either okay, don't make it worse."

"I'm sorry I can't understand you I don't speak cement." Theo sticks his tongue out at me and goes to grab some water. That joke never gets old to him.

Trevor and I get lined up together more times then we ever have before and while we don't go out of our way to hurt each other, I can feel a few bruises forming on my side from him checking me off the puck. He's going to have them too though so it's okay.

We're winning by one goal by the time the third period rolls around. With only a half a period left the game gets a little chippier but the ref is letting some borderline stuff go to just get the game over as quick as he can I guess. I'm checking Martin Gelinas in the corner when out of the corner of my eye I see Zarley skating fast up the ice.

Trevor is on a breakaway and his head is down. If I thought it would help I'd scream for him to stop being a dumb ass and look up but it won't help I can't really do anything but watch as Zarley's hip connects with Trevor's and he flies over Zarley's body and lands on the ice in a heap.

At least Trevor landed on his side not on his head, but I didn't miss the butt end of Zarley's stick hitting the side of his head either. He calmly skates toward the penalty box and Koharski shakes his head and points the other direction. Zarley is gone for the game.

Trevor stands up on his own and even skates around a little but there is blood covering and still dripping down the whole right side of his face. We have a delay while they clean up the ice and I look at the Canuck bench. The worst part of all of this is that I'm probably going to have to fight one of them now as some kind of payment for Trevor being hurt.

But Brian puts Sandy out instead. He and Brashear have a good old fashioned heavyweight fight that doesn't get broken up for a few minutes then they both skate off to the dressing room. Since we're shorthanded for five minutes thanks to Zarley I don't get to play for a long time.

The Canucks score twice on their power play, while only Steve scores for us and we end up losing the game. Our locker room is pretty down afterward, we had the game in our hands until that stupid penalty. Zarley looks worse than the rest of us do when he comes out of Brian's office for the second time that day.

I shower and dress a lot quicker than I usually do. Sandy flexes his swollen knuckles next to me and asks if I'm doing anything tonight.

"Right, I should have known that. We'll see you tomorrow then." Sandy grabs his bag and says he's leaving. Theo and Jarome leave with him and Jarome grins at me before he leaves.

Instead of hanging around anymore I head over to the visitor's dressing room to see how Trevor is. He's in the trainer's room, but he's already gotten cleaned up and had his shower so he must be okay. I'm so glad, he's already missed games three separate times this season he doesn't need any more injuries. "Hey."

Trevor turns and smiles at me. He's got about six stitches just below his hairline across from his eyes. I swear under my breath and he smiles bigger. "It looks worse than it is."

"Sure it does, and inch to the other side and that fucker would have gotten your eye." I look at the end of the table and see Thomas standing there, his hands balled into fists and his face dark with anger.

Even though he's pissed off it makes me happy to see him here, other guys are milling in and out and no one seems bothered by the fact that Thomas is here. Good for them.

Thomas laughs but doesn't unclench his hands. "I know where he lives if you wanna go pay him a visit Thomas." I grin at him.

"Don't tempt him Ronnie." Trevor hops off the table and pokes Thomas's shoulder until Thomas sighs and puts his hands up in surrender. "You don't want them to end up like these do you?" Trevor takes one of my hands and holds it next to Thomas's hand.

Our hands are about the same size but the similarity ends there. His are soft and the skin isn't so much as marked by a single scar. My knuckles have been broken open more than a few times. Trevor grins at me and kisses the side of my head. I grin back.

We go to a small diner and grab a booth in the back. I love this place it's frankly a dump but the food kicks ass. I eat here a lot when I want home cooking kind of food. Not that my mother ever cooked meatloaf and mashed potatoes but its still like home cooking.

"So Ronnie." Trevor turns and looks at me in the backseat. "We were wondering if you'd rather come to Thomas's with us rather than going to your house?"

Thomas looks around too and smiles at me. I smile back and nod. Part of me wants to ask questions and clarify what is going on here and to make sure they are okay with it, but I don't. If they offered after all of this time then they have worked it out between themselves and are okay with it.

Trevor isn't as blunt as Thomas is and skirts around asking me questions about how I'm doing. I surprised when I automatically say okay that that's kind of what I feel. I honestly don't know if I am more upset that Monica and I broke up or upset that I couldn't make another relationship work.

Not that I don't still love and miss Monica, it's only been a day since everything changed between us its going to take me a long time before I can feel okay about that. I've got no issues about being with Trevor and Thomas. I didn't want to have sex with Jarome while I was with Monica, that seemed cheap somehow.

But this is different. If Monica was home in our bed waiting for me right now I'd be right in the same position I am right now. Then again I didn't get invited until Monica wasn't in the picture, maybe there's a connection there.

I don't get to finish and Trevor turns to look at me again. "That's part of it Ronnie, I'm not going to lie but we had to make sure we were okay too." he coughs and his voice is softer this time. "We're both attracted to you and we wanted to be sure that we could do this without jealousy."

I make a snorting noise but I don't say anything until Thomas pulls into his parking lot. "You had to have known that we were Ronnie. Why else did you think that I was uncomfortable with you kissing me the other day?"

We all get out of the car and Trevor hugs me. "I can't believe I thought you were so together all of these years. I feel guilty that I laid all my problems at your feet instead of trying to help you."

Thomas hugs me too and I can feel his breath against my neck. "You don't have any idea, even when we were kids we'd both lie in bed and listen to you with your girl of the moment and while you were having sex so would we. And we'd talk the whole time, wondering how it would be if you were there with us."

"Wishing you were into guys so we could be even closer to you then we already felt." Trevor finishes and kisses me softly. Thomas licks the side of my neck at the same time and I am glad they're both holding on to me, otherwise I'd be on the ground.

"Let's move this inside." Thomas grabs my hand. Neither one of them actually breaks contact with me the whole ride up in the elevator. I still haven't said a word, my mind is screaming a million different things all at the same time. I wasted so many years trying to force my past to stay hidden and to deny what I really wanted that I didn't really live a lot of my life as happily as I could have.

Once we're inside Thomas's apartment we all take off our boots and jackets and Thomas pulls me onto the couch. I let myself be led and smile when Trevor sits on the other side of me. Trevor kisses the side of my neck and licks up to my ear.

We haven't even really touched each other yet and already I am about to blow apart at the seams. Thomas's lips touch against mine and Trevor whispers in my ear. "Just take it as it comes Ronnie, settle down, we both have you."

I nod and mumble thank you against Thomas's lips. He shakes his head and kisses me deeper this time, I can feel myself shaking against him as his tongue flickers into my mouth. I'm leaning hard against Trevor and Thomas is pressing tight against me, I can already feel his cock, hard against my leg. "Thank you Ronnie." he sucks on my bottom lip then leans over my shoulder and kisses Trevor.

Since I can't really see them I focus on listening and enjoying being pressed between the two of them. It's not exactly as great as Thomas kissing me but its still pretty freaking great. Turing my head a little my lips can reach Trevor's jaw and they both shift so I'm included.

Both of their lips on mine at the same time is almost too much for me and I shaking again by the time Thomas pulls back. All three of us let out a long breath of air and then smile. That was a hell of a lot better than it was in any of my fantasies.

Thomas lifts his shirt over his head and I can feel Trevor doing the same thing but when I grab my own Thomas smacks my fingers and a second later two sets of hands are fumbling against my waistband. Only they're not really fumbling at all, my shirt is unbuttoned and off easily and Trevor is sucking just at the base of my neck.

As fantastic as that is, I still jump a bit when Thomas presses a soft kiss to my stomach. It's not even hard enough to feel really but the next one is. Both Trevor's and Thomas's mouths are moving a little harder now, more insistent.

Trevor's on my neck and shoulders and Thomas's on my stomach, moving up so slow it's killing me. Only the fact that Trev moved enough to kiss my mouth again stopped me from crying out when Thomas took one of my nipples into his mouth.

Without me even really realizing it they've moved so that I'm the only one on the couch anymore and they're both kneeling in front of me. Two sets of brown eyes look up at me and give me another chance to say no. I smile and shake my head. "I want you... both of you."

Coming up a little higher, Trevor kisses me again while Thomas's hands are at my waistband. "Just remember Ronnie..."

"Remember what?" I lift my hips as Ronnie tugs my pants over my hips. I'd be hard pressed to remember my middle name right now.

Even though I can't see that happening it still makes me feel good that they care enough to worry and I know that no matter how far this goes if I did need to back out, they'd both stop. If I was a melting and swooning kind of guy that is what I'd be doing right now.

Instead I smile and kiss Thomas, kiss him like I've wanted to for a long time. Different than the few small kisses we've shared, and even different that the ones that have been long and passionate. This one isn't just a kiss that we both walk away from, it's a kiss that's leading to more.

Then I kiss Trevor the same way and watch while they both kiss each other. None of us is breathing steady when they're finished. And then they're back where they were a few seconds ago and each of them is licking around my waistband.

My heart is racing, pounding so loud its echoing in my ears while Trevor tugs my boxers off and Thomas licks a straight line from my stomach to my hip. I can feel Trevor's breath, hot against my thigh and then his lips are on me again. Nothing stops me from crying out this time.

They both look up and then smile at each other when I meet their gaze. Their tongues flickering together, Trevor and Thomas both begin licking their way along my cock. Sucking from base to tip, slow and teasing licks that have me clenching my hands into fists against the cushion.

I can only watch for a few seconds, watching Thomas's full lips close over the head of my cock while Trevor goes lower, his breath this his lips on my balls, and then my eyes squeeze shut in pleasure. One of them eases a finger inside me and I jump a little but stroke the back of Thomas's head to let him know that I'm okay.

His throat relaxes and Thomas takes me deep, bobbing his head only a few times before he moves back and his mouth is replaced by Trevor's. A second finger is inside of me and I'm pressing against it, moving my hips in time with both of them.

I didn't really think that I'd have much issue with any of this physically but I'm surprised at the ease that I'm accepting all this. I think it has more to do with them than me but whatever it is, I'm happy.

When I feel myself getting close I tug on Trevor's hair slightly to pull him back and he moves enough to give Thomas room to join him. They both stroke underneath the head while they keep on licking the shaft and I can't hold back anymore, spurting over both their hands and onto my stomach, even a few drops against their faces.

Neither of their hands leave me but they are on each side of me kissing me again. I kiss back, letting them take me back until I can breath right again. I don't think I've ever come that much before and it takes a while before I can focus enough to do anything.

And the only thing I can manage to get out is a few words in some insane language that only people out of their minds with lust can understand. I guess they are too because Thomas stands up and pulls me up against him. "I think we can move this into the bedroom." Trevor is right behind me again, whispering in my ear.

Thomas grabs a box of condoms from a small plastic bag from the counter and opens the bedroom door. "I haven't had a reason to use these in a while so I had to do some shopping." he grins.

I realize that in more than seven years I'm the only person that either one of them has been with aside from each other. That makes me feel a little bit guilty again but more than that I feel loved and wanted and everything I've wanted so bad to feel for longer than I really want to admit.

Laying back on the bed I just watch while they kiss and undress each other, even this doesn't make me feel like a third wheel because they both look at me and talk while they are doing it. I've seen them both naked before but like the other night with Jarome it's different. Trevor joins me first and kisses me again, shifting both of us until we're on our sides.

Damn, I forget how strong he really is. Sure even when we first met he was bigger than me but even though he's still lanky he's way bigger now and stronger than I am. Thomas is bigger too but not quite as muscled as Trevor or I am. He slides on the other side of me, his body pressing against my back.

I'm the goon and the brawler, I'm used to being the comforter but lying between these two makes me feel protected, makes me feel... right. All the things I've been wanting to feel for so long. Thomas's lips are at the back of my neck licking and sucking until I'm vibrating against him.

Trevor's hands slide down my back, I can feel him touching me as well as Thomas and I grind my hips toward him wanting to be even closer than I already am. Trevor's lips meet mine just for a second then slowly start to work their way down over my neck, he stops at my adam's apple and sucks hard on it.

I nearly vault off the bed and Thomas holds me closer to him, his hand sliding down my back before he moves and I'm on my back between them. Both of them lick down my chest and stomach at the same time until I feel two tongues working their way down my stomach.

They're both sucking me and my hips buck in time, now knowing or caring which one of them has their mouth on me at any given time. Or who's fingers are inside of me, none of that matters compared to the pleasure surging through my body.

Trevor moves so that he can kiss me again and I kiss him back, sucking and biting on his bottom lip until he's moaning as much as I am. Thomas fingers me harder, slicker when he adds another one and I push against them, groaning when he opens a condom wrapper ad rolls me onto my side.

Its been a long time since someone was inside of me and I tense up for a second before Trevor starts kissing me and I relax, moaning louder as Thomas's cock slides all the way inside me. Sure I've played with dildos by myself and with Monica but this is different.

This is the thick hard flesh of someone I love inside me, there is no comparison. Thomas waits for me to move first before he starts thrusting and the most intense pleasure I've ever felt explodes inside me. Reaching between me and Trevor and I start pumping his cock in the same rhythm.

The three of us rock together, Thomas's chest slides slickly against my back, his dick is pounding my prostate until I can't take anymore and I shoot cum over Trevor's hand and onto his and my stomachs. I feel more wetness and hear Trevor's shout as he spurts on me as well.

Our lips lock in a brutal kiss, my jaw aches when he pulls back and leans over my shoulder to kiss Thomas. Not more than a second later I feel Thomas expand inside me and then shudder against my back, still kissing Trevor as he comes too.

They keep on kissing for a moment until Thomas pulls from me and kisses me. It doesn't take long before we get aroused again and Trevor whispers in my ear. "Want you inside me Ronnie." before biting down on my earlobe hard enough to make me yelp in pain.

Thomas kisses me deeper, a low moan escapes from me. "I want to see that too. When you're ready." Thomas whispers.

"I can go three times in a row you know." Thomas looks at me like he's not sure he believes me. "Okay that's when I'm by myself." I chuckle when he punches me.

I'm fully aware of what I'm doing but it seems as though it is all happening in a haze as Thomas squeezes lube onto my fingers and I slide two inside Trevor, scissoring and thrusting them while Trevor presses back against my hand.

Thomas takes my dick in his hand and works my cum all over the shaft before sliding a condom down it. I'm licking my cum of his hand when Trevor presses back. "Ronnie… m'ready now…" Thomas slides a pillow underneath Trevor's hips.

Laying my palms flat on his ass cheeks I spread them wide enough to allow access and position my cock between them. As soon as I press forward Trevor pushes back and I'm slowly working my way inside him. Once I'm fully in I have to stop for a second.

Though it isn't my first time topping it kind of feels like it is. Monica let me try this once with her but she didn't like it and we stopped almost right away. And the times with Denis I was drunk and so was he, I barely remember them except that he treated me worse than ever afterward.

Thomas kisses the side of my face, moving slowly to my mouth. Trevor interrupts us, reaching behind himself to grasp my hip. I don't know what the word he mumbled was but I get the message and start thrusting. The feel of his strong internal muscles clamping down on me has me panting already.

Rising up more Trevor slams back harder urging me on even more, I give him what he wants barely able to focus on him and Thomas kissing, my head is so soaked with pleasure. Trevor's slides two fingers inside Thomas, fingering him as hard as I'm fucking Trevor.

Whispering something to Trevor that I can't hear, Thomas lies on his back and grins at me. Trevor stops pumping his hips and pulls from me. I moan at the loss but grin when Thomas reaches for me. It's a little different feeling but just as hot when I ease inside Thomas.

He bucks against me and I start thrusting too. Trevor kisses my neck and nibbles on my ear. "I want to be inside you Ronnie." The way he says my name sends a shiver up my spine. Once I nod yes Trevor opens another condom and is inside of me, I'm still well prepared so he gets in fairly easy but still goes slow letting me adjust.

The sensation of being in one of then while the other is inside of me, being right in the middle of them in and of itself nearly puts me over the edge. We don't take a long time to get a rhythm going, other threesomes I've been in have been of the girl girl variety and it was different anyway, but this was a smooth transition.

I don't know how long we go for but we've had to slow down on three different times when one of didn't want it to end so quickly. Thomas shoots first, his cum jetting onto my stomach. Trevor follows, his cock twitching inside me, combining with Thomas's clenching muscles milking my shaft pushes me over and they both hold me until I stop shaking.

All three of us collapse against the bed kissing while we untangle ourselves and get rid of the condoms. I get up and grab a washcloth, wetting it before I return and we clean up a little. ""That was definitely as good… better even than I was expecting." Trevor whispers in my ear.

I turn my head and grin at him, nodding as I kiss his face, even kissing at the base of the stitches. "Me too." I shiver when Thomas whispers in my other ear and joins the kiss.

Pulling back slightly I make my way down Trevor's body. Lapping at his nipples, flicking my tongue over the stiff nubs, feeling them stiffen even more in my mouth. Even though I am far from practiced with this I keep going until Trevor's half hard shaft is at my lips.

Denis thought oral sex wasn't necessary; it was another thing that only happened after a lot of effort on my part. He never reciprocated it either.

I take Trevor's cock in my mouth and start sucking. I don't hear any complaints and when I look up they are kissing each other passionately. Each one has a hand in my hair and I can feel Thomas dick against my shoulder. Trevor is moaning loud enough that I know I'm not doing a horrible job.

Moving enough so that I can take Thomas's cock into my mouth I lick along the length before sucking on the tip. I still keep looking up at them happy to be in this position anyway, the fact that I am giving them both so much pleasure only urging me on.

In image passes through my head and I kiss the tip of each of their cocks before looking up at them. "I want to watch the two of you."

Trevor looks at Thomas and they both nod before he takes hold of my face and pulls me up for a kiss. "Which way do you want us?"

I take a deep breath and look at both of them, they look back at me then at each other. I know that this is in a lot of ways more intimate then letting me actually having sex with them and I'm grateful to be able to share it. "I just want to see you, it doesn't matter."

Thomas kisses Trevor and they move so Trevor's on his back. Kissing him harder Thomas strokes Trevor's cock, fumbling for the lube with his other hand. I squirt some on to his fingers and lay full length along side of them but not touching them.

I have a perfect view as Thomas strokes the clear gel onto Trevor's cock. Their lips part finally as Thomas sits up and shifts so his ass is positioned over the long shaft. Reaching between his legs Thomas guides Trevor's cock inside himself. The force of his own weight fills Thomas and I moan right along with the two of them as Trevor's shaft disappears inside Thomas.

They're beautiful together. Their hands grasped tightly, eyes locked, the look so intense between then that I almost want to look away. And still I don't feel like an intruder.

Reaching down I grasp my renewed erection and as turned on as I am I stroke slowly keeping, rhythm with their movements. We've pretty much already done all we're doing tonight so it doesn't take them long to build up to orgasm and I shoot right along with them.

We all kiss for longer than I can keep track of before cleaning up and returning to bed. I'm in the middle again and liking it. I've had so many dreams and fantasies about all of this and this has measured up. I look from Trevor to Thomas and they both kiss me.